The Beginning of the End

Well. It's here. I knew the time would come eventually, where I would have to pack them up and quit. I never dreamed I would have become a pack a day smoker for almost five years. I've lied to everyone about how much I smoke, and when I smoke, and why I don't think I can quit.

The time has come to just do it. I am investing in this blog as a means to help curb the addiction. Every single time I feel the urge to smoke, I am going to blog, and hopefully as posts begin to dwindle that has to mean that my addiction is fading right?

There are going to be some disgusting things that I will post here, so I am warning you now.

Like tonight, I went out to enjoy a smokey treat. While I was smoking I began coughing so hard that I vomited off of the porch. That was it for me. I was finished...and I say that now, knowing full well that despite my unflinching loyalty to this cause, that I will want another stupid cigarette in about 20 minutes.

I've been sick for the last time. I've either developed really awful allergies over the years or I keep getting respiratory and sinus infections. I was never this sick before I started smoking. I also have developed quite an issue with phlegm. So much so, that I have learned to not have any dairy after I smoke because I know it will cause the phlegm and mucus in my throat to act up, which in turn will cause me to cough, which I know that if I do too much of I will throw up.

My learned behaviors have astounded me. I started off as a closet smoker, just like I was and still am a closet eater. I would sneak cigarettes whenever I could, and was VERY conscious of making sure that I didn't smell like smoke around people and that no one saw me. Now I am a shameless smoker, doing it wherever and whenever I like. Even smoking half in and half out of my apartment so as to not leave the house while I am watching TV.

This won't be interesting for some, this is an indulgence for me, and perhaps a way to create another addiction to replace my current one. I know that I can do this, and despite the amount of times I have tried in the past, this one has, HAS to be for real. My voice has changed, my behavior has changed, and I am so sick and tired of coughing.

Here goes nothing.