Cheating happens, and it happened in full force tonight!

Self Helpster?

Am I the type of person who can do self help books?

We shall find out. I bought two of them today.

I want you to notice that the 'I Don't Smoke' book says at the top, " A Joyous Adventure" that should have been enough right there right? I should have put it back and not laid down the 10 bucks that I paid.

Everyone says that Allen Carrs books are the best on addiction, and they should be he has made a empire creating them.

I know that 'The Year of Magical Thinking' isn't a self help book at all, but it is indeed a book about death, and dealing with the passing of something. Plus I've always wanted to read it. It will break up the monotony of "you can do it" and "mind over matter"

oh brother.

My Strange Addiction

So.

I watched TLC's new show, 'My Strange Addiction' last night.

I think that might have been part of what drove me to start this.

I know I am in pretty deep with the smoking, but at least I don't eat toilet paper every day.

Or sleep with my blow dryer on my bed, at night, with the power on.

I mean c'mon.

Also, I very much want a cigarette right now. Even just a puff and then I would put it out. I am already hating this.

Waking Up

That morning cigarette is usually the best.

I miss that one. Although lately I had to make a point to grab a piece of gum before I had one so as to control the phlegm as it was the worst in the morning. In fact I am always chewing gum when I smoke just because somewhere I got in my head that the gum helps me control the way the phlegm acts. Not only will I be saving money on cigarettes but also on gum.

And lighters...since I lose them as quick as I can buy them.

Morning cigarette. You shall be missed.

the last of my pack as it washes away to the Topeka sewer system.

The Beginning of the End

Well. It's here. I knew the time would come eventually, where I would have to pack them up and quit. I never dreamed I would have become a pack a day smoker for almost five years. I've lied to everyone about how much I smoke, and when I smoke, and why I don't think I can quit.

The time has come to just do it. I am investing in this blog as a means to help curb the addiction. Every single time I feel the urge to smoke, I am going to blog, and hopefully as posts begin to dwindle that has to mean that my addiction is fading right?

There are going to be some disgusting things that I will post here, so I am warning you now.

Like tonight, I went out to enjoy a smokey treat. While I was smoking I began coughing so hard that I vomited off of the porch. That was it for me. I was finished...and I say that now, knowing full well that despite my unflinching loyalty to this cause, that I will want another stupid cigarette in about 20 minutes.

I've been sick for the last time. I've either developed really awful allergies over the years or I keep getting respiratory and sinus infections. I was never this sick before I started smoking. I also have developed quite an issue with phlegm. So much so, that I have learned to not have any dairy after I smoke because I know it will cause the phlegm and mucus in my throat to act up, which in turn will cause me to cough, which I know that if I do too much of I will throw up.

My learned behaviors have astounded me. I started off as a closet smoker, just like I was and still am a closet eater. I would sneak cigarettes whenever I could, and was VERY conscious of making sure that I didn't smell like smoke around people and that no one saw me. Now I am a shameless smoker, doing it wherever and whenever I like. Even smoking half in and half out of my apartment so as to not leave the house while I am watching TV.

This won't be interesting for some, this is an indulgence for me, and perhaps a way to create another addiction to replace my current one. I know that I can do this, and despite the amount of times I have tried in the past, this one has, HAS to be for real. My voice has changed, my behavior has changed, and I am so sick and tired of coughing.

Here goes nothing.